You are not alone

Grief is difficult in every way. We don’t know what grief will be like until we are plunged into it. We may have a few role models, but good ones are hard to find. As a culture, Americans are not good at grieving. We are a youth-worshipping, death-denying culture. We get the message that grief is something to “get over” as quickly as possible. Sometimes that message is unspoken. Sometimes it is spoken in words like, “Aren’t you over that yet?”

When Jacqueline Kennedy changed out of her blood-splattered dress and donned her pillbox hat after her husband’s assassination and stoically took her children by their hands, we consciously or unconsciously took in the information that grief is something that you shove deep down inside.

When our society was more agricultural, death was more a part of everyday life. Children raised on a farm saw animals born, die and be slaughtered. It was more common for families to lose children to illness or accidents and for women to die in childbirth. Services for mourners have moved from the home to the funeral home. People rarely wear black and certainly not for long periods as was common in the past. We do not take picnics to our family plot in the cemetery.

My father was the youngest of five children. He was primarily mothered by his eldest sister, who was 10 years old when he was born. She read to him and taught him to read. She died of pneumonia at 23 years old. She died in the late 1930s before the use of penicillin became prevalent during World War II. He never spoke her name.

In April of 1945, my father’s brother, only 20 months his senior, was killed in a freak accident on an airfield in Texas. He was the family’s “golden boy” and had been engaged to be married. My father’s elderly parents never recovered. The death changed the trajectory of my father’s life forever. He cared for his parents and took over the family business. There was no time to deal with the tragic loss of his only brother and best friend. He never spoke my uncle’s name either.

Men in the 1940s and 1950s were not given tools to deal with emotions or with their grief, other than to “handle it.” What is your family’s grief story? What is yours?

Thankfully, there are helpful resources for those experiencing grief today. Your grief may be over the passing of a loved one or any one of a myriad of other losses life can throw in your direction. You may grieve the loss of your independence or your family home. You or a loved one may be facing a terminal diagnosis. You may experience a tragic loss through by accident or suicide. Because our island has an older population, many of our friends and neighbors are dealing with grief in some way. Most of all, I want you to know you are not alone. While your experience is unique to you, others have traveled a similar path. There are helping professionals who are committed to understanding the grieving process and are trained to be your companion and guide. There are fellow travelers willing to share their stories.

I will address the issue of grief and available resources for the grieving process in a series of commentaries. The commentaries will not be presented in sequence, but I will revisit this theme over several months. I am very grateful to my friend and ministerial colleague, Rev. Jim Tippins, who is lending me his time, resources and expertise to share with you.

Jim founded CHANGING TIDES BEREAVEMENT RESOURCES after his retirement from full-time work as a chaplain and supervisor within the Baptist Health system. Jim received his certification as a grief counselor through ADEC, the Association for Death Education and Counseling. He does his work from a cozy corner office in the Council on Aging complex two days per week. He provides a welcoming and safe space there.

I worked with Jim as a volunteer chaplain while he was at Baptist Nassau. I have always found Jim to be approachable, open and easy to talk to. It is a treat for me to spend a little time with him now.

Jim and I agreed that walking alongside someone in the grieving process is holy ground.

There is no more sacred work than listening to someone’s story. In the Beatitudes, a verse says, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” ( Matthew 5:4) My hope and prayer is that some comfort comes from offering resources for the journey of grief. You do not have to suffer in silence for so many years, like my father did. You are not alone.

To be continued.

Find Jim here: